The Radical Practice of Body Acceptance
Photo by Genessa Panainte on Unsplash.
“It is literally impossible to be a woman.” In this summer’s Barbie movie, America Ferrara articulated a deep truth women have felt for decades. As an eating disorder therapist for 29 years, I witness daily the profound suffering rooted in negative body image, particularly in women and girls.
Our culture dictates that it is normal to hate our bodies, and society worships female bodies in states of starvation. We go from diet to diet, ruining our metabolism and relationship with food, when all the scientific evidence clearly demonstrates that diets don’t work.
As a species, we use social comparisons to assess where we measure up in the social hierarchy. In primitive humans, this self-analysis of one’s physical assets allowed for the best possible mate selection to ensure healthy offspring and a successful future gene pool. However, a mechanism that once helped our species survive is now a significant source of our suffering.
Body image — this psychological phenomenon of how we think about, feel, and behave related to our own bodies — is influenced by a constant bombardment of negative information and diet culture.
Body image shifts daily, depending on our mood, hormonal state, what we have eaten, our outfit, whether or not we have exercised, social comparisons, and self-talk, among other variables. We allow the media and the entertainment industry to set unrealistic and oppressive body standards. Meanwhile, the medical community continues its steady drumbeat of ominous, and often inaccurate, health statistics connecting weight with illness. As we ruminate on our negative body image, the 150 billion dollar dieting industry is there to “help” us lose weight.
This might sound surprising, but we don’t actually need to love or hate our bodies. With a little work, we can learn to adopt a neutral, non-judgmental stance, and practice accepting and caring for our bodies as they are today. We do this not because of looks or size but because all bodies are worthy of respect and care. Body neutrality challenges the very idea of a beauty standard.
Bodies and appearance are no longer women’s sole social capital. Our society is full of ambitious and successful women, who often out-earn their male counterparts. While things aren’t yet equal, particularly for women of color, we are moving in the right direction. Women seek higher education, lead, innovate, and contribute. Of the million balls we juggle daily, wouldn't this particular ball be a major relief to drop? Imagine all the precious time, effort, and money we might save when we stop chasing an airbrushed “ideal.”
Body neutrality is a practice, not a destination.
It requires rejecting societal and gender-based norms that are tired and outdated. It asks simply for acceptance of what is rather than rejecting one’s present body for an imagined future body that meets the cultural standards. Marsha Linehan, creator of dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), coined the phrase “radical acceptance” to describe the process of “letting go of the illusion of control and a willingness to notice and accept things as they are right now, without judging.”
Never have I seen a greater need for radical acceptance than in people who have struggled with their body image for decades. Despite maintaining the same weight status for years, clients often react with surprise or anger when I suggest they simply accept their current weight. You don’t need to love your body to accept it.
To be clear, acceptance isn’t the same as complacency, and neutrality does not mean to ignore or neglect your body.
On the contrary, it is about taking care of your body without judgment or punishment. To accept your body, we must think and act in ways that reflect letting go of mainstream cultural norms. Ayla F. Ghibaudy offers some refreshing tips for how to think about your body differently in her small but mighty book, Body Neutrality.
Be mindful of your self-talk.
Pay attention to your internal body image dialogue and reject or reframe any unkind or abusive commentary to be neutral and more self-compassionate. For example, “I look fat in this outfit,” might be modified to, “My outfit is appropriate for the situation, and I feel very comfortable.” Remember: We are trying to reject beauty standards. We want to dress appropriately, to feel comfortable and confident, but our purpose for being there is not to provide others with viewing pleasure. Mirrors are a minefield, so be extra mindful when in use. If you catch yourself beginning the negative dialogue, practice your newly acquired body-neutral language.
Speaking of how we dress, modify your dressing style to flow rather than constrict.
The world offers constant reminders of diet culture, but even what we wear can contribute to body consciousness. Body acceptance doesn’t mean wearing a sack, unless you simply enjoy that style. One can be confident, stylish, and comfortable. Better to remain focused on what you are doing than being distracted by biting waist bands or exposed midriffs that require you to suck in your stomach. Constricting shape wear should be outlawed as cruel and unusual punishment — and yes, I’m talking to you, Spanx!
Stop using judgmental labels for food.
Changing language around the topic of food is critical to body acceptance. Foods should no longer be labeled “good or bad,” “clean or dirty,” “junk” or “crap”. Try to use less judgmental language to avoid the inevitable psychological leap from, “I am eating bad food” to the internalized message of, “I am bad.” Food is not a moral issue, and bodies are not objects of art to be admired or disdained. When in doubt, fall back on the adage, “If you can’t think of anything nice (or neutral) to say, just don’t say anything.”
Stop using discriminatory language.
Negative discussions about body size, food and exercise habits — otherwise known as “fat talk” by the anti-diet community — run rampant in our culture. Children hearing disdain for larger bodies will internalize the message that to be in a larger body means they are deficient or inferior. Disparaging others or yourself about weight and body shape and size is discriminatory and harmful, and it perpetuates the very problem that causes so much suffering.
Finally, care for your body with kindness and respect.
Body image self-care has several components:
Eat foods that make you feel nourished rather than virtuous. Eat regular meals and snacks, make sure you are eating enough, and include a wide variety of flavors and textures. You should never feel deprived, as restriction of any type inevitably leads to binge eating and an unhealthy relationship with food. Eating food is a pleasure-filled experience when not ruined by guilt, shame or rigid rules.
Movement should be enjoyable. If you enjoy what you are doing, you will be more likely to do it consistently. Doing any exercise with regularity is far healthier and leads to fewer injuries than sporadic fitness binges. Don’t exercise to burn calories, compensate for a heavy meal, or lose weight. Movement should be a reward for your body, not a punishment.
Reject perfectionism. Our tendency to hold ourselves to unattainable standards has led to staggering rates of depression, anxiety and eating disorders. Stop looking for what’s wrong with your body and appearance and focus instead on what your body does well. Stop scrutinizing pictures of yourself looking for the flaws and instead focus on how you felt when the picture was taken.
Finally — and you knew it was coming! — reduce your social media consumption. Mental health has taken a nosedive since the advent of social media. Studies indicate that the rates of eating disorders among teenage girls soared with the birth of social media. We are addicted to our phones, and we know it isn’t healthy. There are abundant apps available to help parents set limits for their children’s social media. Pick your favorite and sign up for yourself. If you can’t quit scrolling, pare down your media feed until you only see things that bring you joy and laughter, teach you something new, or pique your curiosity. You could also follow individuals in the “body positivity” movement, who offer anti-diet messaging about bodies in all shapes and sizes. Stay away from “body improvement” posts that set the negative self-talk train in motion.
For the skeptics out there, I assure you losing those extra 10 pounds will not cure self-loathing or soothe emotional pain.
I hear just as much — if not more — body image suffering from clients considered an “ideal weight” as I do from individuals in larger bodies. Focusing on your weight as a means to happiness is a modern-day myth. Work on learning to accept and love your body, just as you are. If you can’t find your way to body neutrality, you might need a few sessions with a caring therapist to help heal painful insecurities and trauma. Stop wasting precious time obsessing about a perfect body and invest in something far more important: your relationship with yourself.
The Smith Counseling Group is a collective of independent providers dedicated to providing collaborative mental health care. Reach out to us today!
